PCOS SUCKS. You may be thinking wow, what a way to start this off! But the truth is there really couldn't be a better way to start this post. PCOS is short for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it truly does suck on a multitude of levels. PCOS affects about 10 million women worldwide, the cause is unknown, and there is no cure! I know- awesome right?

You may be picking up on the fact that I'm having a hard time dealing with this lovely condition but to be fair I was just recently diagnosed. If I'm being truthful, it's something I sort of always knew I probably had but without a true diagnosis I learned to shove that thought far away. It all started for me at the age of 17 when my periods started to become extremely irregular. Oh I should also warn you this post might be a little TMI for some people. But as a nurse, nothing is TMI for me so here we go! Anyways, my periods have been very irregular for about 10 years now ranging anywhere from 37-70+ days in between. I've been seeing gynecologists since I was 17 and although each of them discussed the irregularity with me, none of them ever mentioned PCOS. It wasn't until recently when working in an OB office, I met with a new physician who decided to run the labs. Of course it happened to be on a Friday and lets just say it was a long weekend of anxiously waiting for results. 

Fast forward to Monday and the results were in and after ten years of not knowing, I finally had a diagnosis. PCOS. Although I was somewhat relieved to finally have an answer, it was not a diagnosis I ever wanted to have. I knew exactly what it meant. Combine nurse brain + anxious patient on google all weekend and the results are not good my friends. All I could think about was the big ugly word, infertility. The one word that scares me to my core. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women. Oh and I also should mention that I found this out at the exact time that my husband and I started to discuss trying to conceive. Perfect timing right?

Wrong. It didn't take long for this diagnosis to derail my thoughts and quite honestly, put me in a really dark place. Now, I admit that I did the worst thing you could possibly do. I started googling all these blogs of women sharing their years of infertility struggles, miscarriages, and unfulfilled dreams. I read story after story and I could feel their pain. I would just sit there for hours crying reading the heartbreak that they have endured. In a very short amount of time, I had lost hope in my dream of one day becoming a mother. Anyone who knows me, knows that I've been that girl that has had baby fever since I was like 15. I even won the "baby mama" award with my sorority for most likely to have 10 kids or something crazy like that. Being a mom is the only thing I've ever wanted to be. So this diagnosis really shook me. 

It's been a couple of months since finding out and I feel like I've gone through the stages of grief and not necessarily in the right order. It's been a lot to process and I'm still learning how to deal as I go. September is PCOS awareness month and I really felt that I needed to be brave and share my story. Although infertility is one of the main problems caused by PCOS, there are many unpleasant symptoms and associated risks to go along with it. But thats another story for another day! 

Thank you all for taking the time to read how my journey with PCOS began. I know there are so many women out there who have been diagnosed with PCOS and many who haven't received the official diagnosis yet. To all my "Soul Cysters" -My heart is with you all. 

- xoxo, M.

"HOPE is the only thing

stronger than FEAR."