Well if you've been following my story you know that I recently wrote about 2017 being an incredibly difficult year for me. However, when writing that blog I didn't know that I was about to find out I was pregnant. I also didn't know that in a month's time I was about to lose my first baby. I didn't know my whole world was going to be ripped from underneath me. 

But it did.

And I'm here to share my story. With the hope that other women who have gone through this horrific experience or will go through this, will know that you are not alone. And also because these words have been on the tips of my fingers like the tears that well up in your eyes, just demanding to be released. 

I guess I should start at the beginning and explain for those who might not know, that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year now. Within the year I found out I had PCOS and there began the emotional rollercoaster that trying to get pregnant becomes. After months of irregular and completely absent periods, I decided to start taking Metformin in October to help regulate my cycles. I was shocked that by November I got my first period naturally in over 8 months. And by December I finally got my first positive ovulation test! I was jumping up and down with joy when I finally saw the little smiley face indicating ovulation! Needless to say, my husband and I took full advantage of this opportunity!

Over the next two weeks I noticed subtle changes in my body that had me googling like a crazy person all the early pregnancy symptoms. I really don't know how to explain it, but I had this overwhelming feeling that something was different. I couldn't stop thinking about how I just felt like I was pregnant. On December 27th, I stood in my bathroom anxiously awaiting to see these two little lines that I knew would change our lives forever. And to my complete surprise, there they were. The second line was so faint, I was staring at it obsessively in every lighting to confirm that there were actually two lines! At this point, I decided to call my OBGYN and come in for some blood work to confirm. The next morning, I ended up using the ClearBlue digital test and I was in total shock when the word "Pregnant" showed up. I will never forget that feeling. That rush of excitement, fear, hope, and love as you begin to think about your baby. Finally our dreams were coming true, finally I was going to be a mama, finally our love was going to create life.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last long. And I mean literally about an hour because soon after, I got my lab results that indicated my HCG levels ( pregnancy hormone ) were low and so was my progesterone. I was told it was probably just super early pregnancy and I needed to start taking progesterone supplements. Went back in for blood work two days later and this was the real test because I needed the HCG levels to double in order to determine that this was a healthy normal pregnancy. Of course, the levels didn't double. In fact, they barely rose at all. I was devastated and terrified of what this meant for me and this pregnancy. 

It was a long four day weekend filled with anxiety, fear, and panic. Googling every possible situation from ectopic pregnancy to early miscarriage. I couldn't stop crying and didn't stop praying over those next four days. After we got the next HCG result, I was cautiously optimistic that maybe just maybe things were going to be ok. The level had risen quite a bit and again, I was to come in two days later for another result. The next result more than doubled and I cried tears of joy. And for the first time since finding out, I let myself be happy. I let myself believe that I was pregnant, that I had a baby growing inside of me, that I would hold this baby in my arms one day. 

I did the typical first time mama thing and dowloaded a couple pregnancy apps. I loved reading about how my body was changing and how this little baby was developing. First the little nugget was the size of a sesame seed, then a grain of rice, and then a little blueberry! I couldn't stop thinking about how fascinating and miraculous creating a life is!

We had scheduled our first ultrasound appointment for two weeks later and I was anxiously counting down the days. Being an OB nurse, I know exactly what an ultrasound should look like for a baby at 7 weeks. I know because I've stood in the room while parents have got to see their healthy baby and hear that beautiful heartbeat for the first time. So when we went in for the ultrasound and I looked up at the screen and saw nothing but an empty gestational sac, I knew immediately that this wasn't ok. Blighted Ovum. I kept thinking "I knew it" over and over again. Of all the possibilities of things that could go wrong, I just had this feeling the whole time that it was a blighted ovum. And sure enough, there it was, staring at me on the screen. 

A blighted ovum is basically when the egg becomes fertilized and the cells develop to form the gestational sac but the embryo does not develop. Because the sac develops, it causes your pregnancy hormones to increase in your body which causes you to have normal pregnancy symptoms. So technically you are pregnant but the baby never forms. This is a type of early miscarriage. 

After the ultrasound technician left the room, I let out the tears I had been holding back and tried like hell to wrap my mind around what this meant. After speaking with the doctor we knew that we had to wait at least a week to confirm there were no growth or changes. We talked about our options if this was truly a blighted ovum and we made our follow up appointment. The next week was torture, more waiting only to find out the inevitable. The next ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis as there had been barely any growth and there was no yolk sac or fetus. Just "debris" as they called it. After talking with our doctor, we decided that a D&C would be the best option. All I knew was that I wanted this out of my body asap and next thing I know the surgery was scheduled for the following morning. 

The next 24 hours are somewhat a blur. I don't think I've ever cried so much in one single day. It's all I could do was cry. Anxiety had taken over full swing and panic was quickly setting in. I was in total freak out mode over being put to sleep and having this surgery. I spent that day and night in my husband's arms just trying to soak in every single minute. It was the only thing I could do to feel safe. 

I had the D&C on Saturday the 27th, exactly one month from the day we found out we were pregnant. It's currently been about a week since the procedure and I'm writing this with a heating pad on my stomach. There's so much more I'd like to share about this experience but I'm just going to have to save that for another day. 

Right now more than anything, I'm trying to heal physically and emotionally. This last month has been the worst kind of emotional roller coaster. From experiencing the greatest joy to one of the worst heartaches I've ever known. I wish this never happened. And I'm terrified it could happen again. I'm a complete mess and each day brings new emotions. I'm mad as hell, I'm mad at my body, I feel like it failed me, and I feel like I failed those around me. I'm devastated and heartbroken and left wondering why. But I do know that what I'm feeling is completely okay. And I'm learning that you don't always have to be strong. And sometimes you just need to be alone, curled up on your couch and cry it out. So for the time being, that's where I'll be and that's where I want to be. 

And I just want any woman who has gone through this to know that it's okay to not be okay. And just remember that you are so not alone. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage but it's often not talked about. And this is already a lonely journey and it doesn't have to be. 

I know that technically a baby never formed and I can only imagine how much worse this would be had I have seen a fetus with no heartbeat. But to me, this was my first baby. For a month, I placed my hands on my stomach every single night and prayed for this baby to be healthy. I dreamed about whether this was going to be a girly girl like me or a cute t-ball playing little guy like my husband. I envisioned what our sweet baby would look like, imagined how we would decorate the nursery, and thought of how we would tell our loved ones. 

The minute I saw those two little lines my life changed forever. For I am not the same person I was before this all happened. I only wish it would have had a different outcome. For now, I'm going to continue healing in any way that helps and praying a lot because I know I cannot get through this without him. 

"This is what the Lord says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you." -2 Kings 20:5

"He heals the wounds of every shattered heart." -Psalm 147:3

"For I will restore health to you and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord." - Jeremiah 30:17

Thank you all for reading my story, I know it was a long one. I'm so grateful to have this outlet and for each of you who is with me on this journey. 

-xoxo, M.