Miscarriage number two. Those are tough words to swallow. Unlike the blighted ovum at the beginning of the year, this time around it was a chemical pregnancy. For those who don’t know what that is, let me explain. A chemical pregnancy is a very early pregnancy loss that occurs right after implantation. But of course, not before your body starts to produce HcG hormones therefore resulting in a positive pregnancy test. And once again, I felt excitement and attachment the minute I saw those two pink lines. I should know better but I think it’s only human nature to feel that connection right away. Especially for the woman yearning to be a mother. Waiting to have life grow inside her. Anticipating the miracle that is a baby.

This loss was another emotional rollercoaster but this time it was over just as soon as it began. For longer than a week after ovulation, I had the same pregnancy symptoms as before. But I welcomed the cramps and was excited when I started to have breast tenderness. Then came the emotions and mood swings and I knew that something was going on. I prayed every night and every morning I tested for pregnancy. On Friday October 19th, I got my first positive test. I was over the moon but also hesitant and scared. I kept thinking what if something goes wrong again, what if this ends the same way as last time? I confided in a friend who I knew would give me the comfort I needed and push to me to be positive. I decided not to tell my husband as I wanted to wait until Saturday and give him a gift letting him know that we were finally expecting. I know to some of you this may seem too soon and I’d have to agree, but I wanted this time to be different. From the moment I tested positive last time and received my blood work it was a negative experience for both myself and Eddie. I promised myself if we got pregnant again, I would try to be positive and make sure that we both had a better experience. So I went to Target and actually felt joy as I walked through the baby section. Then I saw it. A tiny newborn onesie with a rainbow and the words “tiny miracle”. I nearly lost it in the aisle as I told myself that it was fate that I found this. Because this would be our rainbow baby. Our miracle.

Saturday morning I woke up eager to give my husband the gift. Inside the tiny gift bag contained a onesie, the positive pregnancy tests, and a card filled with loving words on how great of a father he will be. The look on his face as he opened the bag and realized that we were pregnant is one that I can’t forget. In that moment, it brought me pure joy and now it brings me sadness and guilt. I want so bad to make the words in that card come true. Because If I know anything to be true, I know that he will be a great dad and I know it will be one of the greatest joys of my life to see him in that role. The rest of the day we talked about how this time would be different and we agreed to take things one day at a time.

Sunday morning I woke up and anxiously looked forward to taking another pregnancy test. I couldn’t wait to see the lines be darker giving me the reassurance I was desperately searching for. Prior to this day both my positive tests were faint but this was also prior to my missed period so I was trying to be hopeful. My heart sank when I looked at the test and there was only one little pink line. I held it up in every type of lighting in our house trying to make out that other line. I couldn’t. And in that moment, I knew it was gone. Being a nurse and an infertility warrior- I know all the things. Too many things. And I knew this was a chemical pregnancy and that soon it would be over. I spent most of Sunday laying in bed sobbing for yet another loss. I cried, I screamed, and I pleaded with God. Why me? Why us? Why does this have to happen again? I was heartbroken and angry and left with so many unanswered questions.

Monday morning I woke up and as I was walking to the bathroom I knew. The bleeding had started. Seeing it was a horrible reminder of our reality. I called the doctor and was told to just monitor the bleeding and go to the ER if necessary. Thankfully that didn’t happen but I will say that it was the heaviest period I’ve ever had and along with it was the worst cramps I’ve ever experienced. I was miserable and depressed. I know that this loss happened so quickly and that it doesn’t compare to losses where women see their baby and there’s no heartbeat. I definitely get that. But for me, right now, it’s another loss among many losses that I didn’t need.

I should also mention that when I woke up Monday morning it was October 22nd. To most this is just another day, but to me- it is the anniversary of my sister’s murder. This day haunts me to my core. So as you can imagine, I was physically and emotionally broken. I can’t really even put into words the exact way that I felt in those moments. I just wanted the pain to go away. But as we all know, healing takes time and even after that there are some pains that will never fully leave you.

Another key note to mention here is that on Friday when I got the positive pregnancy test I cancelled my first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist that I waited almost two months to get into. I had been looking forward to this appointment for weeks and was so angry at what had happened. Add that to the ongoing list of reasons I was sulking in self-pity that day.

I want you to know that I do not write all this for sympathy, in fact the thought of sharing some of the darkest moments of my soul with the world leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable. But I do it because it’s important. Because I know I AM NOT ALONE. There are women all over the world who suffer from infertility and pregnancy loss. I am just one of many. But maybe just maybe my battles will be someone else’s comfort.

I also want you to know that as the weeks have passed, I am in a better place. I grieved the loss and accepted that this is my journey. I’ve relied on my husband for strength and sought comfort in the words from family + friends. And most importantly, I stayed close to the Lord. For I know that there is nothing too dark that he can’t bring light to. I’m doing my best to put my WARRIOR game face on and get back up to try again. We rescheduled our RE appointment and met with the doctor this week. It was emotionally overhelming and draining. Lots of tests and procedures coming our way and what could be a long journey ahead to finally get our miracle. I’m ready to fight and keep fighting until we’re holding that sweet baby in our arms.

I also want you to know that although I may seem strong I can tell you that often times I feel weak. And although I’m sitting here today ready to keep fighting there are plenty of days that I just want to give up. The strength you may think I have does not come from myself but from God. And with him, I know that I can and will get through any valley and one day will be standing on the mountain top. And oh that will be the most beautiful view I have ever seen.

Thank you all so much for being a part of our TTC journey.

Thank you for all of the prayers & well wishes.

It means the world to me.

<3

-xoxo, M.

Chemical Pregnancy + TTC Journey