My Miscarriage Story: How I'm Healing
Before I get started, I just need to let you all know how grateful I am to each and everyone one of you who read my miscarriage story. I didn't expect to have so many comments, messages, and texts from all different types of people- some that I'm close with, others that I haven't spoken to in years, and some from complete strangers who are going through or have gone through the same situation. I also didn't expect that by reading these comments and other women's stories that I would begin to heal. But I learned that there is something so powerful in being completely vulnerable and sharing your heartbreak with others.
It's been about four weeks since my D&C and I've come a long way since those first initial days. Before the surgery I was so focused on making it through the actual procedure that I honestly didn't spend much time thinking about why I was having the surgery. But the morning after the procedure, it hit me. I just had surgery and it was because I lost my first baby. My baby that never formed. I'm not pregnant anymore. My womb is empty. I am empty.
That first week was incredibly difficult. I spent a lot of time on the couch just crying and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for my husband, for my family. Feeling guilty that I let everyone down. Going through the stages of grief are never easy and unfortunately I'm all too familiar with how it feels to lose someone. But it's something that looks different for everyone and for me, I just needed that time to grieve the loss of what should have been.
After the initial week, I started to feel better physically and I knew I needed to start working on the emotional healing. Today, I wanted to share some of the things that have really helped me over the last several weeks.
1. Worship Music: Now I know this might not be the answer for everyone but it truly has helped me heal. I have been listening to Christian music as much as I can while I'm home and while I'm driving. Worshiping Jesus with music has always been one of my favorite parts about church on Sunday mornings. And over the last few weeks, just continuing to listen to the music and really pay attention to the words has helped heal my broken heart, piece by piece.
2. Rearranging Our Bedroom: I know this might seem silly but I woke up one day and just had this strong urge to change up the furniture in our room. I just felt like we needed to move things around and create new energy. So we moved what little furniture we have in this tiny bedroom and immediately it just felt better. We got a new comforter, calming candle, and set up a sign from our wedding on our bedside table. I know it may sound crazy but right after it was finished I just felt better being in our room and felt like it was the fresh start we needed.
3. Hair Appointment: I think a lot of girls will agree with me that theres something about getting your hair done that can make you feel like a new person! Although, I didn't do anything drastic, just taking the time to do something for myself made me feel better. And just being able to sit in that chair, have someone take care of you, and not have to think about anything- really helped me to relax and just feel "normal" again.
4. Community: I know I mentioned this in the beginning but being able to talk to people about what happened has truly helped me more than I ever imagined. It was like each time I got to share my story with someone, it helped to take some of the hurt away. And each time I heard someone else's story followed by success stories, it renewed my hope in our situation. Some people may want time to themselves and to keep their story in, but for me- letting it be free was the best thing I could have done.
5. Jesus: Now I know, I already talked about worship music but I would be lying if I didn't share that the one constant through all of this has been Jesus. Without my faith, I don't know how I would have survived this pain. From the moment I got my positive pregnancy test to the moment I was laying on the OR table, he was with me. I know in my heart that he never left my side and although I don't have the answers- I choose to trust in him.
Someone who went through the same situation I did sent me a YouTube video that impacted me so much. It's by Charlotte Gambill, and it's all about taking the long way around. She discusses how for some people in life they will get what their heart wants the most immediately. And how for others, they will have to take the long road in life, to finally get what they want. And how maybe the reason that some people have to take the long road is because they were meant to show other people along the way. These words went right to my heart. I'm not saying that my loss is justified if I'm able to be an example for people along the way. But the truth is, there are no good answers for my loss. But if other people can look at my journey, see my loss, feel my heartbreak, and then see how I got back up- well than there is some good that came from this. And that helps to heal my wounds.
I'm not sitting here today saying it's easy. I'm not saying that every day I get up and feel happy. I'm not saying that we're feeling great and are going to start trying right away. I'm not pretending that life just goes on as if this never happened.
But I am saying, that I am getting back up. I am saying, that I'm going to try every day. And, I am saying, that I still have hope.
Favorite Songs & YouTube Video: ( links attached )
- O Come to the Altar by Elevation Worship
- No Longer Slaves by Voice of Lee
Thank you all so much for taking the time to follow along on our journey!
-xoxo, M.